If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
