Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
