so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
