I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Randomize
