billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
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