We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
