If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
There are leaves in my underwear?
Randomize
