dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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