Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
