I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
