Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
