I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
