Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
