6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
