I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
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