Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
