summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
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