hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
