But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
