Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
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