Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
