I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
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