I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
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