Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
