dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
