i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
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