we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Randomize
