So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
