just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
