Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
