every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
i think i have herpe
just one?
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
