I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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