Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
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