my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
You have to summon your inner elephant
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
