I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
