My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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