my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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