ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
