they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
