I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
