I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Randomize
