I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
