I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
