You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
