I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
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