Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Randomize
