i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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