someone threw a dead crab at me
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
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