Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
