Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Randomize
