You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Randomize
