mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Randomize
