I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
